The Ins and Outs of Christina Aguilera’s Humongous Pride Dildo

I’ve had a raging crush on Christina Aguilera ever since she sang the ever-loving hell out of “Reflection” on the Mulan soundtrack. But now, more than 20 years later, I think my crush just leveled up — she just wore a fucking jewel-encrusted strap-on dildo during her performance at last weekend’s L.A. Pride.

The dildo in question was a humongous electric green affair that matched the Hulk-esque breastplate she had on. But even more than the eye-catching color, it was its sparkle that brought the whole look to life. The queer-AF-fangirl part of me shrieked with glee upon seeing her getup, but my sex-toy-nerd brain was less convinced. Gemstones? On a dildo? I had questions. Wouldn’t that be scratchy? Painful? A hygiene hazard? Has anyone ever put lube on crystals before? If you gave head to a diamond-covered dildo, would your teeth get destroyed? Would it be worth it? (Probably.)

Not that Aguilera’s likely to use this toy for actual sex — it’ll probably end up in the Smithsonian before it ends up inside a hole — but still, the point stands.

The dildo is also enormous — 10 inches long, with a hefty girth to boot. This is significant, because our culture is chronically weird about women wielding dicks, especially big ones. In 2011, Anderson Cooper inexplicably asked Lady Gaga if she had a penis on national television, and trans women’s very right to exist is still a matter of global debate. So, it’s delightful that one of the most recognizable women in pop music not only wore a bedazzled dong on stage at a very public and much-tweeted-about performance, but that she chose to wear one this awe-inspiringly large. It has sparkly balls, too — and frankly, so does Aguilera, for deciding to wear it.

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Sexy stunts like this one have long been a component of Aguilera’s image. The singer came out as bisexual while doing promotion for her album Bionic in 2010, though rumors along those lines had swirled around her for years, ever since she and Britney Spears famously kissed Madonna at the MTV Video Music Awards in 2003. Obviously you don’t have to be queer to don a strap-on — as many pegging fans know well — but her confident, dick-swinging strut leads me to believe this may not be the first time she’s rocked out with her cock out.

In fact, Aguilera has a preexisting history with sex toys and other kinky accoutrements. It’s been reported over the years that she likes to roleplay as a naughty nurse (wonder if she owns a speculum…), that her then-boyfriend picked up some handcuffs and a mask for her at a London sex shop and that she had a whole storage unit dedicated to sex toys. Hard to say which of those reports were actually true, especially since (as with so much celebrity gossip) anonymous “insider sources” were often involved, but it makes sense that she’d unabashedly wear a strap-on in public if she’s already intimately familiar with them in private.

The dildo itself was crafted by A-Morir, a New York-based eyewear company that also made the matching sunglasses she sported at Pride. They’re known for sticking jewels on all manner of objects, from lipstick-shaped pens to magic 8-balls to red Solo cups — I guess now they’ll be getting more custom dildo requests, too. For this particular model — according to a DM I received from A-Morir founder Kerin Rose Gold — they crystallized a 10-inch Basix Rubber Works dildo. Being made of rubber, it wouldn’t be the best choice for sex — the porous material would hold onto bacteria and could cause health and hygiene issues after a few uses. But it evidently made the perfect, well-endowed foundation for the luminescent creation A-Morir transformed it into. Gold said it was “technically difficult, but we’re experts!”

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If you’re hoping to replicate this iconic look — whether for Halloween or for an especially inventive bedroom roleplay, you minx — get yourself a Godemiche Adam dildo in a sparkly shade of green instead. Sure, a hunk of glitter-embedded silicone isn’t quite as glamorous as a painstakingly custom-crafted dick, but we can’t all be millionaire superstars. This one can actually be used to penetrate someone without scraping out their insides, too.

As for the harness, Gold couldn’t recall what brand made it, but said it had been tailored by Zana Bayne. Visually, it’s similar to my own fave for strap-on play, the Aslan Leather Jaguar. The more that I think about it, the more certain I am that a luxury sex toy company should offer Xtina a contract to design her own harnesses and toys. Just picture it: A pink-and-white swirled dildo called the Candyman. A black leather harness emblazoned with the seductive words, “Come on over, baby.” A dildo shaped like a genie in a bottle, designed to “rub you the right way.” The horny possibilities are endless.

However, even if this is the last time Aguilera sports a strap-on in public — and somehow, I doubt that it will be — I’m sincerely glad to live in an era where an out-as-bisexual international celebrity can proudly rep queer sex on stage for all the world to see. And though my own strap-on may not have diamonds all over it, I think the next time I put it on, I’ll feel a lot more Dirrty.

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